I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I believe the plural is “milves.”