Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Yup!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”