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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]