Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Probably my best painting.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both