[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
seems like a niche market
This made me smile…
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree