If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.