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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Finally, an explanation.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there