Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Pass gas, not judgment.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend