There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
All generalizations are stupid.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.