I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄