If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Saw your ex at the shops
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
brian had himself a morning…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr