Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
(Gaming support cat.)
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
The little toadstool has spoken.