bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*