I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.