Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle