Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.