I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.