*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?