So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Got ya covered