Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did