The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”