*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
You Might Also Like
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*frowns in Scottish*
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.