Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.