“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.