“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Ain’t no way
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵