Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.