People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.