The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
just pretend nothing happened
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.