[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Optional boss fight.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
calling in to work dehydrated
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
best first i’ve ever seen
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.