on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space