I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.