That lamp looks PISSED.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The best plant holders?
oh my gosh!!
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.