Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend