My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
August 8
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car