I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.