When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My background check bounced.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
work smarter, not harder
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I have no passwords left in me
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.