Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”