Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.