*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Does this dress make me look cat?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
This fish is cracking me up
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back