Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.