*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.