Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.