Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus