I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.