The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ