Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Omg 🤣
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…