I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.