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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Always a metermaid never a meter
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.