All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
SCARY COSTUME
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon