Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Does this dress make me look cat?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
normalize having existential bread
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.